PS. There’s hope

Shame: 1. A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment or disgrace. 2. A reason for feeling sad or disappointed.

Hope: 1. A feeling of great expectation, anticipation and desire for a certain thing to happen. 2. Trust that a certain thing will happen.

“Such hope never disappoints or deludes us nor does it put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts …” (Romans 5:5)

This week my friend Melissa Taylor posed the question on her Online Bible Study blog: “How are you applying the “Unglued” messages in your life personally?”

How do I answer a question like that? How should I answer a question like that?

It seems such an innocuous question and one that should be easy to answer. After all, I am one of Melissa’s OBS Leaders! I should be quick to reply. I’ve read the book. I’m leading a group of women through a study of this book and related scriptures in the Bible. I should know the answer to this question!

And yet I was stumped. I sat, at my computer, day after day with my fingers poised over the keys, waiting for inspiration and words of wisdom. I felt as though I was in a final English exam and nothing was coming. I should have replied by now. I should have posted an answer to Melissa’s question by now.

But I had nothing. Nada. I kept drawing a complete blank.

So I did what I used to do when faced with a question I was unsure of how to answer – I re-wrote the question, trying to see it from a different angle.

  • What have I learned so far from my study of “Unglued”?
  • How is the study of “Unglued” changing my life?
  • How has “Unglued” affected me personally?

And all I come up with is two words. The same two words. Over and over.

Shame. And Hope.

Shame…for all the times in the past I became unglued and spewed out garbage and anger on the ones I love the most in the world. Shame…for all the times I hurt my children with my explosion of words and raw emotions, especially when they were young and impressionable. Shame…for feeling like I failed miserably at motherhood in those early years. Shame…for all the times I put on a fake smile and pretended I was loving ever moment and cherishing every second with my children. When really I was too tired. Too grumpy. Too overwhelmed. Too resentful. Too busy wishing I was doing something else.

So. Much. Shame.

Oh I feel disgraced for admitting there were moments I hated my ‘job’ of motherhood. I feel embarrassed for acknowledging that I was a ‘mean, harsh, angry Mum’ that yelled. Loudly. Often. I feel so sad that I didn’t know that stuffing until I exploded was not the way to handle my emotions.

I am full of shame and guilt. And regret.

I don’t want this to be how my kids remember me.

I don’t want this to be how I remember me in this season of my life.

BUT thankfully, praise God, I also have hope!

Hope…that I can change. Hope…that it’s possible to change. Hope…that’s it’s not too late to change. Hope…that I can repair the damage I (may) have caused. Hope…that, by asking for forgiveness, I can begin again to build strong, healthy relationships with my children. Hope…that for the few years my children remain ‘children’ I will cherish every moment. Hope…that next time I feel ‘unglued’ I will respond and resolve conflicts without reacting and exploding. Hope…that I can be the type of Mum I want to be. The type of Mum God wants me to be.

The way I’m going to try to effect these changes is by following Lysa TerKeurst’s Standard Operating Procedures for what to do when I feel like I’m coming ‘unglued’ and about to ‘lose it’.

  1. I will remember who I am in Christ (I am His daughter, a Princess. I am forgiven. I am set apart, sanctified and redeemed. I am free. I am blessed. I am whole. I am loved.).
  2. I will redirect my focus back onto Jesus (It’s actually not about me anyway!).
  3. I will recognise that my ‘job’ is different to God’s job (He’s got it under control and will handle things in His own way).
  4. I will read the Word (and I’ll choose to worship, pray and offer praise and thanksgiving to God.)
  5. I will realise that my gentle replies (not my reactions) will determine my reach. (What I say and how I say it will affect the future generations.)
  6. I will rejoice – because there is hope.

“Those who put their hope in You will never be put to shame, nor be disappointed.” (Psalm 25:3)

As Lysa says, “When we place ourselves in situations where things seem impossible, we see the hand of God in action. When we can attribute good to God’s power, we see Him in a new light and we believe in His power afresh.”

Oh, how I believe in His power in seemingly impossible situations! Oh, how I dare to place myself where I might see His hand in action.

Oh, how I hope and long for and eagerly anticipate the day my children say to me: “You know what we really like about you Mum? You’re not a ‘freak out woman’ anymore. You don’t get angry. You don’t ‘lose it’ when bad things happen now. You don’t come ‘unglued’. And we love you for that.”

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28 thoughts on “PS. There’s hope

  1. Its always hard to admit that we’ve done something wrong. And I think a mother’s worse fear is that they aren’t doing it right – the mothering thing. I know it’s my sister’s fear.

    But hope for a difference, for a change, for honoring God in what we do. That’s a real blessing Nicki.
    Shame for the way I am, hope on God for change. I really love it.

    Love and blessings,
    Catherine

  2. Beautiful Nicki, beautiful! Absolutely love this blog. Your SOP touches my heart and your sharing such emotional times so other mommies can learn from you not to repeat those mistakes. Hugs to you and hats off to you sweet sister in Christ. Debbie

  3. Love it! Looking forward to hearing all the great things from your kids in decades to come cuz I know you are a great Mum! xo

  4. That hit home, Nicki. Although I’m not a stuffer, I still have battled with my moments of being a freak out woman too and have felt terrible about it.

    I think about the Fruits of The Spirit and think, “Wow, I’m failing here in some of these. I don’t want rotten fruit. Nobody enjoys it, I don’t enjoy it, and I KNOW God doesn’t like it. That’s what I’m offering for others to partake of, rotten fruit!”

    Galatians 5:22-23
    New Living Translation (NLT)

    22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

    So now I’m inspired to write about my rotten fruit.

  5. Nicki…this is a beautiful post that touched me deeply. I am not doing this study because of school but this post was confirmation for me that it IS one I need to read. I completely identify with your shameful feelings… I, too, have improved, but I still find myself with a lot of those same feelings. Thank you for writing this!

  6. Nicki, thanks for being so honest and open. I am in your “shame” shoes in this period of my life too. I am so thankful for this book and our OBS to help me see how God wants us to be and to grow toward that. Thank you for sharing your experiences, and I pray that it will touch other moms in this season too.

  7. Nicki, you really hit me with this one – this is me! I’m crying as I write this, because I’m feeling it all over again. But the hope is what I need to hold on to as well. Thanks for baring your soul – I know it will help others do the same, if not on a blog, at least to the Lord.

    Now let’s put our new standard operating procedures to work! Love you girl.

    Kelley V

  8. WOW! Nicki….when you said this was your hardest blog….I see why! It was hard for me to read it….because it was like looking at myself in a mirror. I have lots to think about after reading this and the chapters we are in. Thank you for pouring your heart out like you did. This reflection is amazing….and I’m sure one that I will remember for many days to come! God bless you sister!

  9. Nicki, Great job, Shame is a harsh word. We love our children, and when they stuck the P word on us, that didn’t make us Super Parents. I also believe we as parents did and do the best at the time. that we know how to do.

    Hope is a great word, Hope means we can change are learned behaviors, that were probably carried down from are parents ( not excusing behavior, but they were doing the best that they knew how to do.) Hope is that we can change, and make things better., and the God thing is God knows this.

    Luv Ya,

  10. Thank you for sharing honestly from your heart. After my unglued moment today, I felt so much shame & condemnation. Your message reminded me there is hope!
    Thank you for taking the time to share.
    M. Waters

  11. Amen to the above comment. I am so glad to see I am not the only one who is this way and I don’t want to wait til my kids are older before I figure out how to be different. I am having a hard time applying all I am learning and reading It is all so good and crystal clear, but being able to apply is hard. It sure has shown me many ways I have wronged people and needed to respond differently, in ways I wasn’t taught growing up. Whew, this is hard and I HATE IT when I fail. I hope my kids see something other than harsh, yeller, and mean when they grow older.

  12. Beautiful, honest, painful. I too have regrets and sorrow and shame for the times and ways I became unglued over the years. I am so encouraged that we are not alone…and we are not hopeless. We will eventually soar on wings like eagles, because of His power that is at work in us. Bless you!

    1. Thank you so much for your comment and my apologies that I have just now seen it. I’m sorry you have the same regrets and sorrows that I have but like you I’m thankful that one day we WILL soar because of His power. Amen to that!
      God bless you, and thanks again for taking the time to read and comment on my blog.
      Love
      Nicki

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